lizartist's Cancer Blog

December 6, 2006

I'm still here

Views: 791

I received a note of concern from one of you fine folks, and so on Monday night I spent an hour composing a poetic diatribe against the medical profession in response. I hit the button to create the post, and all my beautifully composed text disappeared. Guess you weren’t supposed to read that. It’s taken me two days to summon the energy to re-write.
I hope you know your words of concern were the best thing that happened to me that day.
I saw a medical oncologist on Monday. He told me most likely the x-rays I had as a child did not cause my breast cancer. He acknowledged that yes, although mammograms over many years may cause cancer, the number of lives saved justifies the risk. And no, I won’t be able to keep my nipple if I opt for mastectomy. This was just not what I was hoping to hear.
I am attached to that nipple, and it is attached to me. I love it so much I have two, and they match. You could say I have a matched set, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. It has never done anything wrong. Why does it have to go?
At night when I am trying to sleep, my breasts assault my slumber with stabbing pains. Even the one that doesn’t have cancer. I think they’re crying.
I don’t fear dying. I made peace with that idea yesterday.
The doctor says I absolutely will not die of breast cancer. But I will go through the rest of my life having been visibly mauled by the process of their “cure”. Thanks alot, guys.
I now have a wicked head cold, which kind of distracts me in a way from my depression over having cancer.
Why do some people opt to not have reconstruction? I have seen pictures on this site of scarred chests where breasts used to live, and I wonder what was the impetus behind that decision.